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THE URGE TO CONTROL

Writer: Laura Brigger
Laura Brigger
Apr 5, 2024
4 min read

Updated: 22 hours ago

What Resistance Is Trying to Protect by Brex




Most control does not begin with cruelty.

It begins with discomfort.

Something feels uncertain.

Someone is upset.

A situation is not moving the way we expected.

A person makes a choice we would not make.

And suddenly there is an urge:

Fix this.

Stop this.

Make this different so I can feel okay again.

That urge is human.

But it is worth examining.

Because sometimes what we call “helping” is really an attempt to make another person stop activating something uncomfortable in us.

CONTROL IS OFTEN AN ATTEMPT TO CREATE SAFETY

Control can look like:

repeating the same instruction until someone gives in,

trying to manage another person’s mood,

needing everyone to agree,

monitoring what someone does,

avoiding anything unpredictable,

or becoming irritated when another person responds differently than expected.

Underneath that may be fear.

Uncertainty.

Helplessness.

Embarrassment.

A need for predictability.

Control temporarily reduces those feelings.

That is why it can be so tempting.

NOT ALL DISCOMFORT NEEDS TO BE FIXED

A baby cries.

A partner is frustrated.

A friend disagrees.

Someone is disappointed in you.

Your first instinct may be to make the discomfort stop.

But another person’s emotion is not automatically an emergency.

Sometimes the healthiest response is not:

How do I change this?

It is:

Can I remain present while this is uncomfortable?

That is a different kind of strength.

RESISTANCE HAS MANY FORMS

Resistance is not only saying no.

Sometimes it looks like:

DenialPretending something is not happening because reality is painful.

AvoidanceStaying away from a conversation because you fear what it may require.

ProjectionAssuming another person is carrying something that may partly belong to you.

OvercontrolTrying to manage every variable so uncertainty never gets a chance to appear.

These strategies can protect us temporarily.

But they can also keep us from seeing clearly.

A BOUNDARY IS NOT THE SAME AS CONTROL

This distinction matters.

Control says:

You have to behave differently so I can feel okay.

A boundary says:

You are allowed to choose, and I am allowed to decide what I will participate in.

Control tries to govern another person.

A boundary governs your own participation.

That does not mean boundaries feel gentle.

Sometimes they are firm.

Sometimes they disappoint people.

But they respect agency.

NEUTRALITY DOES NOT MEAN PASSIVITY

I like the word neutrality, but not if it means becoming numb.

Neutrality can mean:

I do not have to turn every feeling into a verdict.

Someone’s anger does not automatically mean I am wrong.

My discomfort does not automatically mean they are wrong.

A difficult moment does not have to become a moral emergency.

I can notice what is happening before deciding what it means.

That pause creates choice.

ASK WHAT BELONGS TO YOU

When you feel the urge to control, ask:

What am I feeling right now?

Then:

What part of this belongs to me?

Maybe you are anxious.

Maybe their behavior really is disruptive.

Maybe you need a boundary.

Maybe you simply hate not knowing what happens next.

The goal is not to excuse everything.

It is to respond to the actual problem instead of automatically trying to regulate yourself by regulating someone else.

ACCEPTANCE IS NOT APPROVAL

Acceptance simply means acknowledging reality as it currently exists.

This person is angry.

This relationship is strained.

I cannot force this decision.

I do not know what happens next.

You can accept that something is true without liking it.

Without endorsing it.

Without staying in it.

Acceptance removes the argument with reality long enough for you to decide what to do next.

CONTROL CAN HIDE INSIDE CARE

This one is easy to miss.

We tell ourselves:

I just want what is best for them.

Maybe we do.

But ask:

Have they asked for my help?

Am I supporting them—or trying to direct them?

Can I tolerate them making a choice I would not make?

Care offers information.

Control demands compliance.

The difference can be uncomfortable to admit.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MANAGE EVERYONE’S FEELINGS

Another person may be disappointed by your boundary.

They may be annoyed by your decision.

They may misunderstand you.

You can care about those feelings without making it your job to eliminate them.

Sometimes emotional maturity means allowing another person to have an emotional response to your choice.

And allowing yourself to survive being misunderstood.

STATIC TAKEAWAY

The Urge to Control Often Begins Where Our Tolerance for Uncertainty Ends

Before trying to change someone else, ask:

What am I trying not to feel?

Fear?

Helplessness?

Embarrassment?

Uncertainty?

Loss?

Then determine what actually belongs to you.

Use boundaries where boundaries are needed.

Take action where action is yours.

But leave other people enough room to own their choices, emotions, and consequences.

Peace does not come from making everything behave.

Sometimes it comes from realizing:

I can remain myself even while something around me is unresolved.

And perhaps the deepest form of balance is not controlling the room.

It is learning how to stay grounded inside yourself while the room remains imperfect.

What we rush to fix in others may sometimes be what we are struggling to tolerate in ourselves.

— Brex

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