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THE TRUTH ABOUT LIES

Writer: Laura Brigger
Laura Brigger
Apr 5, 2024
4 min read

Updated: 21 hours ago

Why Honesty Matters—and Why Truth Requires Courage By Brex



Most people do not lie because they love deception.

They lie because, for one moment, the lie appears easier than the truth.

I don't want them to be angry.

I don't want to disappoint anyone.

I don't want to admit what I did.

I don't want this relationship to change.

I don't want anyone to know this about me.

So we alter the story.

Just a little.

And for a moment, the pressure drops.

That is what makes lying tempting.

It provides immediate relief while quietly creating another problem.

WHY WE LIE

People lie for many reasons.

Fear.

Shame.

Self-protection.

Approval.

Avoiding consequences.

Protecting an image.

Trying to protect someone else's feelings.

Sometimes we even lie to ourselves because the truth would require a decision we are not ready to make.

Understanding why we lie does not make dishonesty harmless.

But it helps us address the actual problem.

Because if fear produced the lie, simply saying “don't lie” may not be enough.

We also have to become capable of facing what the truth might cost.

A LIE CREATES A SECOND REALITY

Once you say something that is not true, you now have two things to manage:

what actually happened,

and the version you told.

Then another conversation occurs.

Another question.

Another detail.

Now the false version needs maintenance.

This is why small lies can become surprisingly exhausting.

Memory has to keep track of the invented version.

Behavior has to support it.

Other facts have to fit around it.

Truth usually requires remembering what happened.

A lie may require remembering what you said happened.

NOT EVERY LIE IS DISCOVERED

I used to say:

The truth always comes out.

I am not sure that is true.

Some lies remain hidden.

Some people never get caught.

But being undiscovered is not the same thing as having no consequence.

A hidden lie can still change intimacy.

You know something the other person does not.

They are making decisions based on information you know is incomplete or false.

That creates distance even if they cannot name it.

HONESTY PROTECTS CONSENT

This may be one of the strongest reasons to tell the truth.

People need accurate information to make meaningful choices.

If I hide something important because I know you would make a different decision if you knew—

I am not merely avoiding conflict.

I am interfering with your ability to choose.

That matters in:

relationships,

money,

work,

commitments,

sex,

agreements,

and promises.

Truth gives another person the dignity of responding to reality.

BUT HONESTY IS NOT BRUTALITY

There is a version of “I'm just being honest” that is really an excuse to be cruel.

Truth does not require unnecessary injury.

You can be honest and still ask:

Does this need to be said?

Am I the person who needs to say it?

Is this the right time?

Can I say it without humiliation?

Honesty and kindness are not enemies.

Maturity asks us to practice both.

PRIVACY IS NOT LYING

You are also allowed to have privacy.

Honesty does not mean every person is entitled to every thought, history, memory, or detail about you.

There is a difference between:

I am not ready to discuss that

and inventing a false story.

A boundary can be truthful.

You can say:

That is private.

I don't know how to answer yet.

I need time before I talk about this.

I don't want to share that.

You do not have to manufacture a lie simply because you do not want to disclose everything.

THE HARDEST TRUTH MAY BE THE ONE YOU TELL YOURSELF

We can become remarkably creative when protecting ourselves from something we already know.

It isn't that bad.

I'll deal with it later.

I'm only staying because...

I'm fine.

This doesn't bother me.

Sometimes honesty begins privately.

Before confessing anything to anyone else, we have to stop editing the story inside our own head.

What happened?

What did I choose?

What am I avoiding?

What do I actually want?

That kind of honesty can be uncomfortable.

It can also be clarifying.

WHEN YOU HAVE LIED

The answer is usually not another better lie.

Stop.

Correct the record as responsibly as you can.

That might sound like:

What I told you earlier wasn't accurate.

I was afraid of your reaction, and I changed the story.

Here is what actually happened.

Do not turn the confession into an excuse.

Explain if explanation matters.

But own what belongs to you.

Then understand something else:

telling the truth does not obligate another person to immediately trust you again.

Honesty begins repair.

Consistency rebuilds trust.

PUT ON YOUR GROWN-UP PANTIES

I am keeping this phrase.

Because sometimes adulthood really is this unglamorous.

Tell the truth.

Take the consequence.

Apologize when needed.

Correct what you can.

Let somebody be disappointed.

Let somebody be angry.

Let yourself survive not being seen as perfect.

A surprising amount of dishonesty is an attempt to control how we are perceived.

Integrity sometimes means surrendering that control.

STATIC TAKEAWAY

A Lie Offers Relief. Truth Gives Reality Back.

Honesty does not guarantee comfort.

It may create a difficult conversation.

Expose a mistake.

Change a relationship.

Cost something.

But truth gives everyone involved the chance to make choices based on what is real.

That is one of the foundations of trust.

So speak truthfully.

Protect legitimate privacy.

Choose timing with care.

Do not weaponize honesty.

And when you are tempted to alter reality just enough to escape discomfort, ask:

What consequence am I trying not to face?

Then decide whether temporary relief is worth the distance the lie may create.

Put on your grown-up panties.Tell the truth with courage. Tell it with care.And let reality be strong enough to hold what happens next.

— Brex

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